I grew-up in the church, more or less. My mom was very devout before, as the minister who conducted her memorial service said, she went to roam the halls of heaven. Something to that extent. Added to the inexplicability of that whole affair. My wife and I pursued the church and much of my family is still very devout. But the hypocrisy and the much publicized behavior of many a church leader, whether its through his lack of morality or his various political affiliations, has rendered much disappointment in that whole affair. I'm kinda sick of the Escalade laden parking lots of these multi-million dollar behemoth buildings that stand for Godliness. I don't see it. Is it a church? What is church these days anyways? Okay, enough of that. I just needed a segue to a joke I found long ago, and before I throw it away (doing some autumn cleaning), I thought I'd jot it down for the hell of it (sorry).
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
and finally. . .
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.